jeudi 4 octobre 2007

"I've lost that loving feeling"

Today I've to write in English. I'm sorry for my fiends who don't read this language but I've to do it. And sorry for some of you who know very well English.

This song few people knows it. And also few people knows the importance it has for me. To say the truth: one person. It's the first time I knew that something happened with him. During one day before sending to him a letter and to open a little bit my heart, I was so sad. I felt so bad. And I was for a large part the guilty of this situation.We had the day of the « swimming pool story » a very serious conversation and after he let me at home, alone. I've to tell to you that before he pushed me in the swimming pool with my clothes...and I was sure to die of cold. But the first thing I did was crying in the shower.

The day after, until two a clock in the morning, I wrote. I deleted. I rewrote something, impossible to find the right way to put my ideas...my feelings. Finally, I wrote everything and I tried to put my letter in Spanish. Remember that I was just in Spain for three months. I was afraid, totally scared about him, about me and the worst of everything I was scared about my feelings. After two years and a half doing everything and closing my mind and my heart to everybody and to everything, I felt for the first time, really, that loving feeling and I was happy. Happy to be with him, happy to be with his friends and to be perhaps one of his friends.

I felt free after sending to him the letter, but scared that he doesn't answer, that he doesn't care about me. Arriving at home I found my flatmate, Isabel, coming back from holidays and asking me how was my day...I cried. I cried for the first time since a long long time. I was tired, I was far away from my friends and I was afraid. Twenty minutes after I received a SMS: « I've read your text. I'm impressed. You're so cute. I'm not here this week end but we can meet up next week to see photoespaňa. I miss your eyes. » And I was still crying but crying of happiness. This day I knew that a lot of things would be different now.

In the letter I wrote, I used a myth to explain my situation with him at this moment. To try to explain to him how I felt. The best history I found is the myth of Pygmalion and Galathea. Metamorphosis from Ovide are one of my favorite book since I'm forteen years old. Probably because I studied latin for a long time and I was after that able to tame the sentences, the words and their meanings. With him I'm at the same the sculptor and the statue, the one who works and the one who is coming alive under the hands of the other. I feel good, happy, I feel pretty and I'm myself. And believe me it's something difficult to get from me when I'm not with my friends or with people I've confidence in. But I've confidence in him.

I was impressed. I'm still impressed. Impressed by what he's, what he does. This way he has to pass his hand on my face, to put his head against me or to claps me in his arms until the suffocation. What I can do now? Nothing. Waiting. Nobody can say what will happen, nobody knows. And I don't want that someone tells me that I've to forget. I don't want to forget. I've a lump in my throat now because I bring back this feeling since I know him. I've learnt a lot of things in three months with him, I've enjoyed everything even if I'm not the best person to show it. Nevertheless, I'm sure of one thing today: I miss you.

Aunque estas lejos...estas a mi lado.

1 commentaire:

Anonyme a dit…

It's been a bloody long time since I've haven't read such a beautiful (love) story... Please, keep on writing!
Love bites, love bleeds, love hurts but without love where would we be now?
Take care and "bon courage"!